DOVES...

My day begins as usual… as it has for years. I get up and stay almost all day in the kitchen. While the kids are sleeping I am free – I make myself a cup of coffee. I sit in the kitchen. Silence. I am on vacation now so I breathe easily, not a worry, a running around. Just sitting and thinking about life again. A good friend of mine repeats to me – “stop thinking, don’t think so much”. I know that I must stop thinking and that being alone with oneself is a good thing and I understand very well why my friend says this to me but still…I think. Maybe I am trying to find some answers to questions? Maybe it’s is the only thing I can do freely without anyone interfering?
My life follows its usual course. I’ve lost that freedom to live my life, as I want to live it. By not getting mad at him I knew it would happen. I knew it so well. Nothing, absolutely anything would have changed, even if I had got angry. I knew this. Because of this for a very long time I didn’t want talk to him. I’m not scared of housework, I like cooking, going shopping, cleaning but it become routine and without the help of other members of the family I feel as if I’m in a prison. I know it’s my fault – I brought my children up not well…I wanted only the best for them, believe me only the best.
And so I sit now in the kitchen and look out the window. I see doves flying in the sky outside my kitchen window. Some of them nest in the roof of the house opposite. Each time I see them it’s such a delight as they fly in the air. It’s especially touching in the spring when they fly in pairs.
You know, so very often I’d close my eyes and imagine, imagine that I alone was a dove. And what did I see from way up high? I saw all the earth, forests, trees and lakes and it was only then that I realized how colorful the earth is. Everything looks so small from way above, things I’ve never seen before in my life. And for me this view was so incredible – it excited me so and from that day on I changed my opinion about life, its meaning and the world. And now, whenever it gets too much to bear, when there’s no hope and all I want to do is die, I imagine that I am that same dove. I imagine I’ll never again see the beauty of the world. And that fleeting view alone stops all such terrible thoughts. This is a very good stop sign for me. I want to see the BEAUTY of the world, I want to think, to dream, to be with friends. All of this I want to do. The doves alone help me to keep dreaming, thinking and living. Every time I enjoy watching the doves as they fly in pairs, relishing their freedom. Sometimes I’m envious of them. Why? I think it’s because their life is just so natural and that they have only nature to answer to. They can find a mate so simply (or maybe they have the same problems with this as we do?). They build nests (and this they do with far more LOVE than people do I believe), they bring up their children t o g e t h e r and nobody tells them how to do it because they don’t need to. They do it natural, as nature intended. So why then don’t people behave as nature intended?
No, they do actually behave as nature intended it’s just difficult to understand in which way – why one person behaves according to one rule and another person to another. I don’t want talk about people right now. Maybe I have too much experience with people and know how some people behave (I am talking about those closest to me). It’s not worth the attention I think. I’d rather talk about doves or nature – doves whose life I know nothing about and can only imagine what they think about, why they behave like this or like that. Perhaps I’m wrong. Maybe thinking about nature is much easier for me because nature is silent and can’t contradict me?
Maybe…